Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
When your parents check you’re ok.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.