Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

This kinda thing happens to me often

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it