Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
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It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
So true for me
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Rambo Rambow
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x