Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
thank god
for all #parents out there
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face