Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Love this guy
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.