Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
lmfao
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.