Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]