Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.