why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
He wanted to make sure😂
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*