why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
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Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
my one true gender
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this