Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

I just want an internship man

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

when a toddler tells a story

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

Note to self: always read the final line

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers