Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

I falcon love using swear birds

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

catch me on valentine’s day like