Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
🤣
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.