Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”