Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife