Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”

“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅