Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
dark side of the loom
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.