Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
You Might Also Like
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches