Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Warm pools make me nervous.
he was correct
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.