Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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Yes my dude
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower