Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.