Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
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“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.