Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
The symmetry is uncanny.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My dream car is a taco truck.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
All excellent questions
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
