Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

Think I pulled my liver

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

It’s that simple 👊🏻

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

I love it all

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago