Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

I identify as an antique shop.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

We’re all getting idioter.

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face