Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk