Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.