Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.