Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside