Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
doing some research
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.