“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
No. YOU-buprofen.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”