Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

R.I.P.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!