Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere