Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.

*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.