Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.