(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it