Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers