Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

going to the ER y’all need anything

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.