Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You Might Also Like
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
*watches the world burn*
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context