Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

That was easy.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

*has no idea what a book even is*

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

Going into Monday like

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?