Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!