Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

british sex workers really pound for pound

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time