why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help