why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.
So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors