@Y2SHAF

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

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@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@andizeisler

Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn’t realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong

@GrantTanaka

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

@CyberneticTiger

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

@chrissyteigen

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

@AmishPornStar1

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

@thatUPSdude

Forget “once you go black you never go back”

I say

“For that special occasion go caucasian”

@thomas_violence

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

@trevso_electric

One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.