why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Kermit goes Blue.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now