David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn’t realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
me: AND UR COMPUTER
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Forget “once you go black you never go back”
“For that special occasion go caucasian”
My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
windows 8: i got some updates
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
One day we will look back at the criminalization of marijuana and laugh because we will be so high.