Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
You Might Also Like
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon