Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.