Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
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Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
logging onto twitter…
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”