Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

FINE, I WON’T.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

I’m putting together a team

journal