Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”