You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You Might Also Like
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.