Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Mmmm canned fish.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold