Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

my one true gender

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money