I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Don’t we all.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.