Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.

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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.


If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”


CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.


Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”


Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week


Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.