Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

When you’ve simply given up.

Rude much 😂😂😂

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*