Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah