Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.