Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play