why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
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