why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Investing in beetcoin
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
How about daylight saves us for once
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.