why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You Might Also Like
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I think we should hear other voices.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*jingles half the way*
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.