Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.