Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
japanese corn
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom