Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Education is vital

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

much to think about

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*