why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series