Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”