Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

oppen heimer style lol

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials