Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?