Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.