Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.