Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Not😆🤣
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
#ParentingFacts
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.