Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Yoga Matt
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.