Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.