Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

🙁

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

im gay on my mothers side

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.