Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back