Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

When you don’t understand how floors work

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.