why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
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(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Yup.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company