Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids