Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Real bees work best

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.