Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
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I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Bros before Ohioes
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.