Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

HR said no more nunchucks.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

4-year-old: Can I have some water?

Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.

4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.