Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what