Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
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At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Tough love is true love
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[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up