Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
john wicks are toilet candles
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“you look easy to draw”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free